What to Say to Someone with Anorexia

When you think of eating disorders, anorexia nervosa is most likely one of the eating disorders you think of. It can be confusing and overwhelming to know what to say to someone with this disorder or how to support them.

Part of this is the stigma that surrounds eating disorders and mental health in general. This can make it difficult to talk about. It also can be hard to talk about it if you don’t really understand what that person is going through. Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing keeps us from saying anything at all.

However, the discomfort with these topics isn’t a sign that we shouldn’t talk about it. In fact, support from others can make a big difference in the recovery process. Here are some things you can say if you want to support someone with anorexia:

“How Can I Support You?”

While we may have good intentions, it may not be helpful to assume what someone else needs or wants us to do. You’re not a mind reader, so there’s no way for you to always know what would be helpful. If you ask someone else what they need, you’re more likely to be able to support them.

“I’ve Noticed You Seem Stressed During Meals. Is Everything Okay?”

This one might be something you can use if you have a more intimate relationship with someone, such as a friend, family member, or romantic partner. It’s very common for people with eating disorders to not recognize they have a problem, especially in the beginning.

If you can gently and compassionately mirror to them what you see, it can help them build awareness and also start a conversation about what is going on emotionally for them. It’s important to be compassionate and not judgmental.

“Thank You for Sharing with me”

If someone opens up to you about their eating disorder, it can help create emotional safety for you to acknowledge how brave and vulnerable their share was. They opened up to you and that takes strength. Acknowledging that can help them feel more comfortable and more likely to continue to see you as a safe person to talk to.

“I’m so Glad You Told me”

It can be really difficult to talk about mental health struggles. Some people may feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit they are struggling. Other people might feel like they’re a burden if they reach out for help. Letting them know you’re glad they confided in you can help ease their fears that they’re a burden or that you’re judging them for what they’re going through.

“I Don’t Always Know What to Say, but I’m Willing to Learn”

Sometimes people don’t reach out for support because they’re afraid they’ll be misunderstood, judged, or dismissed. It can help someone to feel more comfortable to reach out for support if you show that you’re willing to try to understand their perspective and what they’re going through.

You can educate yourself by reading books about eating disorders or articles about eating disorders. Here are some educational books and resources about eating disorders:

• “Surviving an Eating Disorder: Strategies for Family and Friends” by Michele Siegel, Judith Brisbane, and Margot Weinshel
• Parent Toolkit by National Eating Disorders Association
• Attend a support group. Some eating disorder treatment centers offer in-person and virtual support groups for people who have a loved one with an eating disorder.
• Learn about anorexia through reputable resources, such as National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) or National Association of Anorexia Nervosa Associated Disorders (ANAD)

“Your Feelings Make Sense”

Many times people with anorexia are told their feelings are wrong. For example, someone with an eating disorder may be afraid of certain kinds of food because they believe it will make them fat or bad if they eat it. The people around them might tell them this is illogical, dumb, or weird and to just eat the food.

While it is illogical to believe you will become fat simply from one meal, that doesn’t take away from how scary it feels. For someone with anorexia, becoming fat or gaining weight is really scary and upsetting. It really feels true for them.

It would be more helpful to say something like, “It makes sense how scared you are. It really feels like it would be so scary to be bigger.” This doesn’t mean you enable them, but it does mean you can let them know you care about their feelings and that their feelings make sense to you.

For example, your loved one might come to you and say they feel really worried about a test they’re about to take and they’re tempted to not eat as a way to deal with the stress. One way to validate their feelings without enabling them is to say something like this, “I get why you would be stressed about your test. That makes sense, it’s really important to you to do a good job. How can I support you so you don’t restrict?”

Supporting someone with anorexia can be rewarding and also difficult. You’re not always going to get it right and that’s okay. Recovery is difficult for everyone involved. Remember to take care of yourself, too.

Author: Samantha Bothwell, LMFT
Page Last Reviewed on November 2, 2022, and Updated By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC