“I Choose to Have a Life”

Contributor:  Louise Hall, valued community member of Eating Disorder Hope

Perfectionism and a sensitive nature are traits that may predispose someone to an eating disorder. Having those traits, being a competitive swimmer, having a love for food and becoming slightly overweight were all a recipe for an eating disorder. I trained before and after school which I loved, but the competitions were my favorite.

At 13 years old when my coach suggested a food diary, I thought it was another area I could improve on. My food diary wasn’t great for that level of swimming. That gave me the opportunity to do another one, a better one, to please my coach and improve my times.

Although, I’d always been conscious that I was much bigger than my friends, I had never set out to lose weight before. Now with my ‘good’ food diary, I began to lose weight. Being thin was an achievement I had never managed before, and I loved it.  It was the start of what feels like an addiction.

Between my desire to be thin and my love of food I developed bulimia. I managed to get treatment for this and had been completely well from the age of around 17.  That desire to be thin never left; always in the background.

I ended up going on to university and became a psychiatric nurse. Currently I am a psychiatric nurse in the community mental health team. As much as I love my job I found it difficult in my previous post working with others who were suffering from eating disorders. I like to help people who are going through what I have, but I find it too difficult to do that at their meal times.

When I was 23 I decided to go on a crash diet, just to ‘lose a few pounds’ and also to manage negative feelings about something that had happened. This diet meant counting calories. Within a few days of counting calories it is exactly like someone flicking a switch in my mind that puts me back into eating disordered mode. I suppose that is why someone who has suffered from an eating disorder should never go on any kind of diet, no matter how well they think they are.

As my weight dropped I became more obsessed, my hair fell out, I felt a tiredness that I cannot begin to explain, I ran up and down the stairs at any opportunity, and I took laxatives…. The list goes on. I have always been an honest person but the eating disorder made me lie to the people I love.

Half my energy went into maintaining the eating disorder and the other half went into covering it up so as not to hurt the people I love. If I was faced with ‘unsafe, scary’ foods I would try and wrap it in kitchen paper and throw it away when no one was looking. I hid scales and tried to weigh myself in the middle of the night.

When I had lost weight I was on a high, like the hit a heroin addict gets when they inject. When I did not lose weight I cried for hours. On wakening I felt for bones to reassure myself before spending too much time body checking in the mirror.

As a result relationships began to be effected; I wanted to lie on the sofa on my own and not interact with anyone. I would rather stay at home and count calorie than socialize, the complete opposite of my own personality. Usually I was a social butterfly!

I was very close to being taken out of work, the one thing in the world I love. I was in treatment for 20 months and have finally been discharged.

Now I realize I can either be thin and have an eating disorder … or have a life. I choose to have a life. I love life too much. The desire to be thin will always be there, which is why I can never become complacent and have to be vigilant, never going on a crash diet again.  Right now I’m at a great place and hope to get married and start a family in the near future.

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The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of eating disorders.  These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer a discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.  We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors.  If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.  

Last Updated & Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on August 28, 2015. Published on EatingDisorderHope.com