Assertiveness Skills Helpful in Recovery from Eating Disorders

Speaking up for yourself–your needs, feelings, and thoughts–can be difficult, especially for individuals with an eating disorder. But research shows that learning to be more assertive can help decrease eating disorder behaviors and is a useful tool in eating disorder recovery.

What is Assertiveness?

Being assertive means standing up for your rights in a positive, calm way. Assertiveness looks like expressing your feelings and thoughts, speaking up for yourself if you’ve been wronged, and saying “no” to things you don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable with, all in a direct, positive, and appropriate way.

Assertiveness is the middle ground of communication, with aggressiveness and passiveness on the opposite ends of the spectrum. For example, aggressive communicators never take “no” for an answer and communicate in a way that upsets themselves and others.

Passive communicators, on the other hand, have a hard time saying “no.” They don’t stand up for themselves or their rights, are afraid to express their feelings, and fail to establish boundaries [1].

Why Assertiveness is Helpful in Eating Disorder Recovery

Individuals with eating disorders often struggle to speak up about their needs, thoughts, and feelings [2]. One of the reasons for this is that eating disorders often suppress and silence an individual’s voice, convincing them they don’t deserve to take up space or be heard. These disordered beliefs lead many to hide their illness from others, push loved ones away, and retreat in isolation.

Further, in many cases, the eating disorder is a way to cope with and camouflage emotional pain, difficult feelings, and personal problems the individual doesn’t know how to express or process. In other words, many with an eating disorder turn to ED behaviors as a way to deal with unspoken feelings and pain. One study even found that low assertiveness (not speaking up for yourself) exacerbates eating disorder behaviors and worsens outcomes in those with an ED [3].

This is why assertiveness is such an important tool to learn in eating disorder recovery. Assertiveness teaches individuals with EDs how to express and deal with difficult feelings and emotions, so they no longer have to turn to food, restriction, and other behaviors to cope with their internal problems. Assertiveness also helps individuals with EDs realize that their voice, feelings, and pain matters, which in turn abolishes the lies that tell them they need to become less visible and unheard.

Assertiveness Skills Helpful in Eating Disorder Recovery

Here are three assertiveness skills you can start implementing in your life to help you speak up for yourself and address difficult emotions and feelings in a positive, healthy way.

Use “I” Statements

The first step in becoming more assertive is to be open about your feelings, needs, and thoughts in a positive, calm way. Many in ED recovery have suppressed their feelings for so long that they struggle to identify them, much less express them positively. The solution is to start communicating in “I” statements.

So instead of saying “You just don’t understand,” or “You never listen to me,” (which sounds accusatory and fails to communicate how you’re really feeling) try saying “I feel hurt when you cut me off and don’t listen to what I’m saying,” or “I want to tell you what I’m going through, but when you interrupt and start lecturing me, I don’t feel heard.”

The goal here is to 1) understand that your thoughts and needs are valid and deserve to be heard, and 2) practice expressing them in an honest, non-accusatory, and positive way.

Practice Body Language

One of the most important assertiveness skills has nothing to do with what you say, but rather, how you say it. If you struggle to express your feelings and needs without getting upset, making others upset, or just shutting down and clamming up, start implementing assertive body language into your conversations.

Assertive body language includes standing straight and confidently, not crossing your arms in front of you, keeping a calm or neutral facial expression, and maintaining eye contact. These non-verbal cues can give you the confidence to stand up for your rights (even when you feel doubtful and uncertain) and let the other person know that you’re not here to verbally attack them.

Consider practicing assertive body language skills in front of the mirror or with a supportive friend or family member. That way, when you face a real-life situation, your body will be prepared to take a positive and assertive stance.

Rehearse Important Conversations

If you have a hard time speaking up for yourself or struggle to communicate positively with the people in your life, start rehearsing important conversations ahead of time. First, identify one or two conversations you need to have but don’t know how to effectively navigate. This might be talking to your parents about seeking ED treatment, pointing out to a friend how their diet talk affects your eating disorder recovery, or discussing a painful situation from your past.

Once you’ve identified one or two areas you need to speak up about, consider writing out and rehearsing your side of the conversation. This will help you gather your thoughts and be prepared to communicate them calmly and effectively. You may also consider practicing the conversation with the help of a friend, therapist, or family member.

Assertiveness is often difficult for people with eating disorders, but learning to speak up for yourself in a positive and honest way is an important part of eating disorder recovery. Assertiveness can help those with an ED express their difficult emotions, so they no longer have to turn to ED behaviors to cope, and teaches them that their voice and opinions matter.

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References:

[1] Sussex Publishers. (2010, November 4). Assertiveness and Eating Better: Speaking Up to Manage Your Weight. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thin-within/201011/assertiveness-and-eating-better-speaking-manage-your-weight.

[2] Assertiveness Training and Eating Disorders Recovery. Eating Disorders Recovery Today. (2014, May 20). http://www.eatingdisordersrecoverytoday.com/assertiveness-training-and-eating-disorders-recovery/.

[3] Bandini, L., Sighinolfi, C., Menchetti, M., Morri, M., Ronchi, D. D., & Atti, A. R. (2013, July 8). 1111 – Assertiveness and eating disorders: the efficacy of a CBT group training. Preliminary findings. European Psychiatry. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0924933813762151.

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About the Author:

Sarah Musick is a freelance writer who specializes in eating disorder awareness and education. After battling with a 4-years long eating disorder, she made it her mission to help others find hope and healing in recovery.

Her work has been featured on numerous eating disorder blogs and websites. When she’s not writing, Sarah is off traveling the world with her husband.

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The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective on eating disorders. These are not necessarily the views of Eating Disorder Hope, but an effort to offer a discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.

We at Eating Disorder Hope understand that eating disorders result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an eating disorder, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.

Published August 18, 2020, on EatingDisorderHope.com
Reviewed & Approved on August 18, 2020, by Jacquelyn Ekern MS, LPC